An unexpected journey

I was let go from my job two days ago.  There I have said It.   Putting words to screen makes it real now; I have to own it. Forgive me ahead of time if for any reason I may tangent off or for any incoherent thoughts that may follow from here on.  You see, I suffer from clinical depression. I have suffered this melancholy, sadness, negative thoughts or whatever you wish to call it for all of my life.  My earliest memories are of an overwhelming sense of sadness coupled with a great deal of anger.  I’ve had these emotions for well over 45 years and I don’t know how to stop them.  For those who are acquaintances of mine this may be a surprise.  I’m funny, witty, charming and social.  That my friends is all an act.  An act I’ve mastered and could give lessons on.   Now that I am unemployed my sadness is compounded by an overwhelming sense of loss and defeat. Why did I lose my job/   I wasn’t dishonest.  I didn’t break any company rules.  My brain is swimming with reasons.  Obviously, to my former employer I wasn’t good enough. That is quite a bit to take in.   Everything my former employer said about me is true:  I am a hard worker, I give 200 percent but I’m disorganized, I can’t lead the troops because the troops don’t want to be lead by me.  I made a mess of things and that’s a lot to accept.  All I can think of that I left them to pick up my destruction and it’s more than I can bear.   I’ ve been doing that job for a better part of my career and now I found out I wasn’t any good at it. I should have seen this coming really.  I have failed(or ceased to be successful) in so many of my endeavors that require the same skills that I had at my former employment. I thought I could be a director or administrator but I found out I can’t direct or administer anything.  How awful is that?   It’s like I just lost my identity.  I am the job. I’m not a wife. I’m not a mother.  Never had time for that.  So without the job, who am I ?    Ok. breath…. Now what do I do? There are a few options: 1).  I can close the blinds to my bedroom and sleep away time.  If time doesn’t exist then neither does anything else. 2.).  I can pack up and run away where no one knows me and start a new life 3). I can find another job and make the same mistakes I made in my previous jobs. 4). I can find a job in another field but just make those mistakes that are unique to that job. 5). Seek counseling to find out why I make the same mistakes 6).Go into a in patient facility to counter my depression and negative thoughts. 7). Start a blog so I can share my experiences with others so that we all can know that there is someone out there just like them; 8).  Play Mahjong all day.   Let me look at each option separately: 1.) what I really want to do but know I shouldn’t.  Time doesn’t play fair. It’ remembers everything.  If I’m not aware that it’s passing then it doesn’t exist.  The world can go on with out me making a mess of things and I don’t know it exists.  A win, win. Right? 2). I’ll only fail and make mistakes in a new city where no one knows me. 3).  Groundhog day 4). Groundhog day part two 5). Hmmm 6). Not there yet, thank the Lord. 7). HMMM part two 8). I’m doing that all ready So there it is.  I will be sharing my experiences with job searching and soul searching.  You can choose to read or not.  Right now I’m doing this for me. Putting “pad to paper” will help me find my life and my identity again and If I help someone else along the way, that’ great.

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