I’m not going to bore you with what has happed to me these last months. Suffice to say, I have humiliated myself by applying for snap and financial assistance and applying for –and being denied— disability. The dss process was and is horrible. My experience has only reinforced my views that the government cannot run a business.. No one knows the others jobs; I can’t get any answers from anyone: the common answer is “that’s out of my jurisdiction. I cannot help you?” Then why are you here? To push papers around, or in my case, lose them? The level of inefficiency is mind bloggeling. I can’t even vent on facebook or anywhere else because I am so humiliated and ashamed of myself for letting my life just go down the toilet. let’s face it: I did this to myself. No one else. I have no savings; I got fired; and I stayed in an industry that I am not well suited for. Picking up the pieces has been an arduous journey at best.
I have to be honest with myself: Disability will be difficult if not impossible for me to get, so I need to look outside the box. I have been going to therapy for four months now, and while there have been no major breakthroughs, I can honestly say, I feel a little better, I can get out of bed and stay out of it most of the day. Some days I can actually stay awake the entire day. That is an accomplishment. When I started therapy, I was having panic/anxiety attacks on a daily basis. Anything could have triggered it : a loud sound, too many people, an unfamiliar place. My meds have changed, and now I have only had one attack since last month. Loud sounds still get me rattled. I can go to the supermarket without feeling claustrophobic with all the people around me, and I actually took myself to breakfast the other day. All be it, I went at 10 am when it was relatively quiet. I’m laughing again. The first time I laughed, and laughed like I used to, made me think there might be hope for me after all. My therapist has been with me the whole way through, and has helped and encouraged me to explore my artistic side. She recommended a free mental health wellness center where I can take art and writing workshops. I made the appointment for the tour and went on December 24th. It took me until last week to actually make it to a class. I kept finding excuses not to go; most of which were that I just didn’t want to leave the house. That is still a huge obstacle for me. I hate leaving the apartment. Just hate it. Every day I get up and I have all these plans; go grocery shopping; go to social security. Before I know it, it’s 4:00 in the afternoon, and I couldn’t tell you what I did. My apartment is a disaster. Cluttered. Stinky because I need to take the garbage out, but I can’t seem to open that apartment door. I keep telling myself I will do it tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and goes, and my trash sits in my kitchen, overflowing. I only leave the house if I have a doctor’s appointment. And this is embarrassing for me to even admit- I will go many days without bathing. I only do so if I have a doctors appointment. Even then it may be only a sponge bath; It’s just so hard to get me to get the energy for such mundane tasks.
My hope comes and goes, depending on the day. Some days I have all of these ideas of what I what to do–going back to school( the degrees changed on a daily basis ), looki for a job, make a living writing. Other days, the negative thoughts overwhelm me and hope hides
So far , that’s it a nutshell. Can’t promise when you will see anything from me anytime soon.